


The Origin of Space Drunk

by exuberant_imperfection, kate882



Category: Haikyuu!!, Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Alcohol, College, M/M, barista!Oikawa, space drunk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-16
Updated: 2016-02-16
Packaged: 2018-05-21 00:52:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6032254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/exuberant_imperfection/pseuds/exuberant_imperfection, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kate882/pseuds/kate882
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Humoring an eccentric barista's passionate desire to share random facts about space has more of an impact on Kuroko than he intended.</p><blockquote>
  <p>It all seemed like harmless fun until a party on campus where Kuroko was drunk. “Aomine-kun, Aomine-kun,” Kuroko said, poking Aomine’s cheek to try and get his attention. “Did you know that one of Mars’s moons is going to fall apart from stress?” he asked him earnestly, looking for all the world stressed over the moon’s stress.</p>
  <p>“...the fuck’re you talking about, Tetsu?”</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	The Origin of Space Drunk

**Author's Note:**

> So some of you may not be familiar with the headcanon/running gag that is space drunk Kuroko, which was started by Kate, and has kind of become a Thing with our particular group of writers. ([Here's a good example of space drunk Kuroko.](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4389608)) Regardless, this story should be entertaining enough with or without the background knowledge, so enjoy!

It was an especially slow afternoon at the cafe—only a handful of people were sitting inside, and customers had been infrequent for the last couple of hours—and Oikawa was bored out of his mind. After sweeping twice and cleaning the toaster three times, he then attempted to pass the time by meticulously scrubbing all the dirty dishes in the sink. He got so caught up in the tedium of the task that he failed to notice that another customer had entered until he turned to put away a stack of clean dishes and saw that the NASA logo had suddenly appeared on the other side of the counter. He grinned vaguely at it for a moment before it finally registered that the logo was on a t-shirt, which was very much attached to a person, who had been standing at the counter for an unknown amount of time.

He barely managed to not yelp in surprise, and very nearly dropped the entire armful of dishes he’d been carrying. Placing them carefully down on the counter behind him, he turned back to the customer—a blue-haired, blue-eyed boy somewhere around his age—and gave a sheepish chuckle. “Sorry for the wait, I didn’t see you there! What can I get for you?”

Kuroko offered a polite smile. He hadn’t been waiting for very long, so it wasn’t much of a bother. He was a bit surprised by how fast the employee—Oikawa, according to the name tag—had picked up on him being there. “A vanilla latte, please.”

“Coming right up!” Oikawa said with a grin, grabbing a cup and a marker. “Name?”

“Kuroko Tetsuya.”

Oikawa nodded, writing the name, and then started on the order, thoughts of space beginning to crowd his mind because of the NASA shirt. He vaguely wondered whether he should say something, as it wasn’t very often that he was able to rant about space to an audience that wouldn't scoff and roll their eyes. In the end, he decided to test this guy’s enthusiasm for the subject by jotting down a quick fact about space on his cup before handing it over to him with a smile.

_Did U Know??? A day on Mercury is longer than a year on Mercury!!! Because it takes longer for it to complete one rotation (relative to the Sun) than to orbit the Sun!!! :D_

Kuroko’s eyebrows raised at that, but a tiny smile also formed on his face at the clear excitement that went into the fact written on his cup. “So does that mean that Mercury spins really slow or orbits really fast?” he asked as he placed a tip in the jar he suspected Oikawa had decorated based on the alien stickers.

Oikawa’s grin widened, both at the tip and the question. “If you mean relative to Earth, then both! Mercury’s orbit takes about eighty-eight Earth days, which is short compared to an Earth year, but it takes one hundred seventy-six Earth days to complete one rotation, which is obviously a lot longer than one Earth day,” he explained enthusiastically.

Kuroko found himself smiling again. “I didn't know that. I'm afraid most of my knowledge of space consist of thinking that Pluto was wronged, but I think I heard that they made it a planet again. Is that correct?”

“A dwarf planet, actually. Along with four others that aren't quite big enough to be planets: Eris, Haumea, Makemake, and Ceres,” Oikawa answered, then leaned forward a bit to continue in a conspiratorial whisper, “See, technically, Pluto never really _was_ the ninth planet. Everyone just assumed so because they noticed something strange about Neptune’s orbit that made it seem like there was a ninth planet, and Pluto happened to be the first thing they discovered after that.”

Kuroko shook his head in mock disbelief. “So soon after my favorite planet gets restored it's already trying to be discredited.”

“I know, right??? It's so tragic!!!” Oikawa exclaimed dramatically. “I wrote like twenty letters to NASA about it. It's like, their reasoning makes sense, but just… no! You can’t just—” He clenched his fist with a frown. “You can't take planet-dom away from Pluto! It doesn't have much else! Even one of its moons is supposed to be falling apart from stress soon.”

Kuroko’s eyebrows shot up at that. “What do moons get stressed about, Oikawa-san?”

“Current events and taxes,” Oikawa said solemnly, holding a serious face for as long as he could before he burst into laughter. “Just kidding, I have no idea. I didn't read the entire article, I got distracted,” he admitted.

Kuroko’s lips quirked upwards with amusement. “And that's probably what is stressing out Pluto’s moon. No one cares enough about it to read a full article. It must be hard living in Pluto’s shadow, however small a shadow that might be.”

Oikawa put a hand over his heart and lifted his gaze to the heavens as if he were speaking directly to the moon. “Please forgive me, Pluto’s moon whose name I don't even remember, for I have wronged you!!!” he announced ruefully before looking back down at Kuroko, and added only half-jokingly, “Next time you come here, I'll have an answer for you. I promise on the honor of Pluto’s moon!”

Kuroko smiled and took a sip of his latte. “Well, this is a really good drink, so I'll definitely be back to find out about the moon.” He waved and started towards the door. “It was nice meeting you, Oikawa-san.”

Oikawa grinned brightly at him and flashed a peace sign. “I'm here every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, making the best lattes you'll find in walking distance of campus!”

Meanwhile, Iwaizumi had just walked in with a Starbucks cup in hand, eyebrow arched. “I just got a better one two blocks down the street. Nice try, Shittykawa.”

“Rude, Iwa-chan!!!” Oikawa protested.

* * *

The next time Oikawa spotted Kuroko walking into the cafe, it was mid-morning, and a bit busier than the first time. Luckily, though, he’d had the cup prepared for days beforehand, and he took it from where he’d had it stashed away and grinned at Kuroko as he approached the counter.

“Hey, Kuro-chan!!!” he greeted excitedly. “Another vanilla latte?”

Kuroko blinked a few times, surprised by the nickname but smiled and nodded. “Yes please, Oikawa-san. And a hot chocolate for Aomine-kun, who wouldn’t get out of bed to get it himself.”

“Coming right up!” Oikawa said cheerfully, nodding to his coworker to indicate that he had this one as he grabbed a second cup. He tapped the marker absently on his chin for a moment, trying to think of something creative to write on the cup, and he was just about to give up and write “Aomine” when he had an idea. “...Is Aomine-kun someone special~?”

“He certainly thinks so,” Kuroko answered, but there was a faint blush on his cheeks.

Oikawa laughed. “That’s cold, Kuro-chan!” he said, trying his best not to let his grin grow too mischievous as he wrote “BAE” in big, bold letters on the cup, surrounded by a plethora of hearts. Then he made Kuroko’s drink first, handing him the cup with the researched space fact on it when it was done.

_So turns out Pluto’s moons are all safe!!! :D Mars is the one with the stressed-out moon. D: It’s being slowly torn apart by Mars’ gravity because it orbits too close, and is gradually getting closer, and will fall apart in 30 to 50 billion years!!! (better or worse than current events and taxes?????)_

“I’m going to say worse than current events and taxes. We don’t have to deal with those for even one billion years,” Kuroko decided after reading over the writing on his cup.

Oikawa laughed. “That’s true!” he said, and paused thoughtfully as he began to pour hot chocolate into the second cup. Then, turning to hand the cup to Kuroko with a wide grin, he added, “But, I mean, in about ten billion years, everything on the surface of the Earth will be completely scorched and the planet will be consumed by the violent death of the Sun, so if you count that as a current event, I’d say that’s probably worse!”

“I mean, probably, but that isn’t a current event now, and it will already have happened when the moon falls apart, so I’m not sure where that’s current.” Kuroko looked at the cup then back at Oikawa with a raised eyebrow.

Oikawa just winked in response to the judging look Kuroko was giving him. “Ten billion years from now, that’s when it’ll be current.”

“I’d discuss that further with you, but I’d like this to get to him before it is no longer hot chocolate. Thank you for the clarification on the moon, Oikawa-san.”

“Anytime! Have fun with bae, Kuro-chan~” Oikawa singsonged with a cheerful wave.

Kuroko ducked his head and left. When he handed the hot chocolate to Aomine the first words out of his mouth were, “I didn’t write that, Oikawa-san seemed to think it would be funny.”

Having fallen back asleep while Tetsu had gone to get the drinks, Aomine rubbed the sleep out of his eyes before squinting tiredly at the cup. Once he’d processed what was written on it, a shit-eating grin crossed his face. “Haah? You mean you _don’t_ wanna start calling me ‘bae’ from now on?”

Kuroko finished the last sip of his drink and threw the cup at Aomine in reply.

Too tired to bother attempting to dodge, Aomine watched the cup hit him and fall onto the bed with a frown. “That’s wasn’t very bae-like of you, bae,” he said, trying and failing to keep a straight face.

Kuroko turned around and walked out of the room.

* * *

After that, every time Kuroko went to get coffee he found a space fact written on his drink. There was even one time that Oikawa wasn’t there and someone named Iwaizumi handed him a cup with a fact and said that Oikawa had left it there for him and insisted that Iwaizumi give it to him if he came in that day.

It all seemed like harmless fun until a party on campus where Kuroko was drunk. “Aomine-kun, Aomine-kun,” Kuroko said, poking Aomine’s cheek to try and get his attention.

Almost as drunk, Aomine absently grabbed his hand and casually laced their fingers together before realizing that Tetsu was talking to him. “Hm? Wazzup, Tetsu?”

“Did you know that one of Mars’s moons is going to fall apart from stress?” Kuroko asked him earnestly, looking for all the world stressed over the moon’s stress.

“Wha...?” Aomine said, brow furrowed as he looked down at Tetsu, not sure what he was more confused about—how a moon was supposed to fall apart from _stress_ , or how Tetsu even knew that. “...The fuck’re you talking about, Tetsu?”

“Mars’s moon! It’s going to fall apart in thirty to fifty billion years because it’s orbiting too close to Mars.”

“That, uh… that sucks, I guess?” Aomine replied uncertainly, still not sure what was going on. This was the third time Tetsu had started spouting random facts about space while drunk. It had been hilarious at first, but then it kept happening, and when questioned about it while sober, Tetsu claimed to have no idea what they were talking about, so now it was getting a little disconcerting.

“Did you know that Neptune has a moon called Triton?” Kuroko switched subject.

Oikawa had been wandering about in search of Iwa-chan—or more alcohol, whichever he found first—when the sound of space talk caught his ears, and upon recognizing Kuroko, he headed over with a huge grin. “That’s Neptune’s largest moon! And the only large moon in the solar system with a retrograde orbit! Isn’t that _cool,_ Kuro-chan???”

Kuroko’s eyes lit up at the new information. “Really?”

Aomine glanced up at the new guy, eyes narrowed at the familiar way he addressed Tetsu. “...The fuck’re you?”

Oikawa stuck his tongue out in response to the vaguely hostile expression, but still replied, “Oikawa Tooru, local space expert and best barista in town!” His gaze flickered down to their joined hands briefly before he added with a wide grin, “And _you_ must be bae!!!”

“He’s great, Aomine-kun. He writes space things on my lattes. He even gave me a free drink last week for knowing something about space he didn’t.” Kuroko beamed at Aomine.

Oikawa grinned. “Yeah, that was pretty impressive, Kuro-ch—” he began, but cut off as he noticed Aomine’s gaze was still on him, increasingly aggressive as he spoke. He laughed a little nervously, but put on a smirk. “What? I know I'm pretty, but I'm not single, and neither are you.”

“It’s _you!_ ” Aomine said once the gears in his head were finished turning under the drunken haze. “ _You’re_ the—the fuckin’... the source of Tetsu’s space drunk!” He grit his teeth in irritation and took a stumbling step forward. “I'm… I'm gonna fuckin’ _fight you!_ ”

And everything after that was a blur.

* * *

Kuroko woke up with a pounding headache and a heavy weight on top of him, pressing him into the couch he'd fallen asleep on.  “Aomine-kun, please move.”

With how much his own head hurt, even Tetsu’s soft voice was enough to wake Aomine up. Instead of attempting words, though, he groaned in protest and felt around with his hand until he found Tetsu’s mouth and covered it. “ _Shhh_.”

Kuroko frowned and bit Aomine’s hand to get him to move it. “Aomine-kun, you're crushing me,” he complained.

Aomine hissed in pain, drawing his hand away and finally cracking his eyes open to squint at Tetsu in betrayal. That made the throbbing in his temples much worse though, so he closed them again after a moment and covered Tetsu’s mouth again, this time from beneath his chin so he could hold his jaw shut and avoid getting bitten again. “ _Shhhhhhhhh,_ Tetsu,” he repeated in a whisper.

Kuroko sighed before simply pushing Aomine off of the couch, and was then surprised to hear one pained groan… and one panicked scream of “IWA-CHAN, SAVE ME FROM THE ALIENS!!!”

“Shut up, Shittykawa. I’m too hungover for your shit.” Iwaizumi mumbled.

“BUT IWA-CHAN, THEY’VE COME FOR ME!!!” Oikawa continued yelling, blindly flailing and trying to break free from where he was pinned underneath Aomine.

Now in much more pain and much more aggravated than before, Aomine summoned the strength to roll off of Oikawa and onto the ground, at which point he jabbed Oikawa in the side as hard as he could and grumbled, “Shut the fuck up.”

Oikawa yelped in pain, curling up into a ball in defense. “Iwa-chan, I lied. No aliens. Just this really ugly jerk.”

“The fuck did you just call me?” Aomine muttered half-heartedly, some instinctive part of him feeling offended, but most of him just wanting to go back to sleep.

“Don’t be rude to your friend’s boyfriend.” Iwaizumi told him flatly, too tired to deal with Oikawa’s shit.

Oikawa pouted, and the movement immediately brought the painful bruise on his face to his attention. “Y-yeah, but—but you know, someone totally punched me last night, and I’m _pretty_ sure it was him!” he protested. He was mostly making shit up, but if the vague flashes of memories from the previous night were anything to go by, there was at least _some_ truth to his words.

Aomine cracked his eyes open again to look, and he snorted. “Pretty nasty bruise. And you’re callin’ _me_ ugly, ugly.”

“Iwaizumi-san, I’m going to leave them to get coffee. Would you like to join me?” Kuroko asked from the couch.

It took a moment to debate the merits of going back to sleep versus getting coffee, but when factoring in the likelihood of actually getting more sleep with the two idiots lying on the floor nearby (very unlikely), the choice was much easier. “That sounds great. Let’s go,” Iwaizumi replied, pushing himself up off the ground and wincing as a wave of dizziness hit him. “I need _so much_ coffee.”

It took a significant amount of effort, but Kuroko dragged himself off of the couch and blinked away black spots. “As do I,” he agreed, starting to lead the way to the door.

“I-Iwa-chan? Don’t leave me here!” Oikawa called, reaching towards them.

“Tetsu, come baaaaack…” Aomine whined, still half-asleep, eyes already shut again.

Kuroko and Iwaizumi didn’t even glance back at them.

**Author's Note:**

> now u Know how It happened


End file.
